Soldier Discovered in Military Cemetery – FBI Concerned

ImageThe FBI arrested a military veteran in Arlington National Cemetery this morning, for trespassing. Officials said they were concerned the soldier was a danger to himself and the country he fought to protect, and that it was the first time they’d ever thrown a soldier *out* of the military cemetery.

The man, identified as Lance Corporal Yonathan Melaku of nearby Alexandria VA was found to possess a backpack, which prompted a call to the bomb squad, because bombers have been noted to use backpacks. Also, Melaku has a beard, and bombers often have beards. He was also wearing a cap, a jacket, and other suspicious items.

The backpack contained what the FBI called “materials of concern”. The materials, tested in FBI labs, were determined to be “inert”, and eventually were found to be a ham sandwich and a fruit rollup, though officials say they will continue testing. When asked why a ham sandwich should be of concern at all, an FBI spokesman said – “There’s good research on this. Ham is known to contain nitrates. Nitrates have been used by bombers.” The backpack also contained what some at the FBI are calling “Muslim literature,” though it may be specifically just an Algebra textbook.

Actually the second person of Muslim descent, appearance, and religion doing bizarre things in areas of military or national historic significance this week, Lance Cpl. Melaku was asked what the hell he might have been thinking? Melaku responded, “I just felt that it was a smart idea to, you know, pack up some stuff in a backpack, park my car in the bushes, and sneak into Arlington during off hours – you know, just for shits and giggles.”

Update 3:15pm: FBI indicates ham sandwich contains up to 2lbs of nitrates – more than previously thought.

Update 4:45pm: FBI indicates ham sandwich is actually a 5lb bag of ammonium nitrate.

Update 4:55pm: FBI denies a ham sandwich was ever found in Melaku’s backpack, but confirms the fruit rollup was there, and contains Mono and Diglycerides that could have adversely affected the health of Americans, had it been consumed.

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