President Investigates Prisoner Treatment By Phoning Captors

obama manning dod crowley
AP Photo

Philip Crowley resigned from the State Department today after he was found to have leaked his own thoughts about the Department of Defense’s use of enhanced incarceration techniques on Bradley Manning. Manning, currently on his way to a world’s record for solitary confinement, a second world record for length of incarceration without charges, and finally a world’s record for longest time of an American serviceman without REM sleep since the DOD human experimentation projects of the 1960s, is unavailable for comment, but was reportedly awakened 5-minutes after Crowley’s resignation and told the news, then awakened again 5-minutes later and told the same news, then awakened 5-minutes later, and so on.

President Obama, in a statement about Crowley stepping down, said “I conducted my own investigation. I looked into it. I actually called, myself, the DOD public relations line and asked if they were doing good stuff down there, and they said yes, sure, of course we are.” The President added, “To say the DOD acted stupidly, as Crowley did, is like me saying that the Cambridge Police acted stupidly, when they arrested an unarmed black man in his own home. That was stupid of me. But this isn’t. That was then, this is now. This is a different kind of stupidity, which isn’t actually stupid…” The President then reportedly checked his watch and asked, “has it been five minutes, yet?” The White House declined to answer related questions on when, if ever, it will finally carry out the President’s promise to eliminate similar detentions in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, but sources close to President Obama said he’s planning to call someone and ask that too.

Related Story: Waffle Shop employee in DC receives odd phone call claiming to be President Barack Obama and asking if they are “meeting basic standards”. Secret Service members arrive minutes later, ask about recording devices, and leave.

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