The most recent revelation about the now notorious Petraeus affair is a series of e-mails that have been declared, in a word, “flirtatious”. In a joint statement, conservative members of congress have stated that, “The idea of a high ranking US official actually thinking about sex, let alone engaging in it, is offensive to our ideals of an asexual culture of uptight soccer moms and big screen TV sales.” A State Department spokesperson indicated that, in a wide-sweeping investigation, other government and military officials are under scrutiny for potential offenses like heavy petting, non-missionary position marital relations, buggery, and possibly even masturbation. “We may even find,” said a Republican Party official, “that candidates now in office, up to and including the President, had sex of some kind, or at least considered it, during their terms in office. Our presidential candidate would never do that.” As part of the fallout, the Conservative Chastity Caucus today announced a “currently voluntary promise ring initiative” for members of the military and government, encouraging public officials to “swear off all sexual thoughts, words, and conduct” in order to set a leadership example for other Americans who might be tempted toward “non-procreative recreational affection – especially the weaker members of society like liberals and Latinos.”