Opponent of Islam Admits Just Making It Up

Muslim rally anti-muslim anti-islam protestsUnder fire about a previous comment on Muslims “occupying US neighborhoods” and that they should “go home”, and in the wake of a US Today report that most American Muslims are US-born citizens, and so actually are home, Palmer, Alaska Republican Representative Carl Gatto admitted today, “We don’t actually believe any of this stuff. We just say it, because it stirs up the kind of people that bring bull horns to Muslim charity functions. You know, like those loons in Orange County. Did you see some of them? They looked like angry versions of Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies.” Gatto is expected not to succeed in any future bids for public office. One voter interviewed on the street summed up the general consensus of that community, “No, no, we really do believe this stuff. It may sound batshit crazy to you, but they really are building a Caliphate somewhere in the US and trying to put America under Sharia law.”

In response to recent revelations that most of the sensational claims about Muslims in the US originate with an Arizona-based white supremacist hate group, SANE (Society of Americans for National Existence), which is deeply embedded in the Tea Party, conservative Republican circles (such as Phyllis Schlafly’s Eagle Forum), and fundamentalist evangelical media, the founder of SANE, David Yerushalmi, said “We are nativists, nationalists, and purists when it comes to the Caucasian history of the US. We think Caucasians are inherently superior at some things, than non-Caucasians, and that giving everyone – like women and blacks – the right to vote was a mistake, and we want to expel any Muslim non-citizens from the US. We also believe, with Mel Gibson, that most Jews, the liberal ones, are parasites, and of course if you’ve ever had a tape worm, you know the only way to deal with a parasitic infestation. But we aren’t white supremacists, or racists, or anything. We’re just ordinary, conservative, Christian Americans who are fed up with the way things are, and we want to take this country back to its roots. And these people (referring to the Tea Party and Republican lawmakers) basically agree with us.”

ImageAt the same time, Tennessee is considering a law that bears striking resemblance to suggestions made by Yerushalmi in the National Review and the Washington Times, and is drafted from a model introduced by Eagle Forum. Republican Tennessee state senator Bill Ketron and state representative Judd Matheny introduced the bill that would make it a felony for Muslims to practice Sharia law. This would include specifically “washing one another’s feet” which, in the words of Matheny, “good, conservative Christians, don’t do anymore”. Ketron defended the bill, “Look, this stops short of making it illegal to be Muslim. We’re merely making it a felony to practice Islam. You can still be Muslim, you just can’t practice it. You see the distinction. We aren’t even taking their towels or their camels away from them. After all, we want to know who they are, and make it easy to spot them on the street.” Republicans in Tennessee promised to make the bill better and clearer. Language was later added to the bill to prohibit sitting cross legged in public while eating with one’s hands, and wearing white head gear that doesn’t fully cover one’s face.

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