Now Showing – Feb. 2010

Legion We’re still desperately reaching for something from the Bible to scare you. This is all we had left. Collateral damage from an angelic driveby. The Book of Eli We long ago reached the limit of our imagination for post-apocalyptic adventure. So we combined it with… the Bible! We were out of ideas there, too.
Valentine’s Day A big-screen Hallmark card, because when you’re this shallow, you need us to script the relationship. A film that’s destined to be on TV next February, after we’ve sold all the DVDs we ever will. Tooth Fairy Because every action hero must be made to look ridiculous in at least one film, juxtaposed with children. And the last time we did it with the Rock, not enough of you could bear to watch.
Sherlock Holmes With martial arts from Brotherhood of the Wolf, we decided to make Sherlie less cerebral, and more dope and depression driven. We just can’t leave any classic unscathed. Dear John Well, if one of these sappy romances made money, let’s lower the age and sophistication of the lovers to that of the Twilight films, and see if we can sell a lot more. Next Winter, we’ll actually use pre-teens.
The Crazies We’ve used every excuse for people to start chasing and eating you – viruses, more viruses, alien viruses. So we’ll just skip the reasons, and the humans “go crazy”. The Wolfman We long ago ran out of any good ideas for horror. And we pillaged all the Japanese and Korean films we could manage – like the Ring. Besides, we remake every film in the current generation’s image. Dumber, more violent, and even more hoky.

Some of you will say I’ve been too hard on these films. As punishment, I think you should have to watch them. So, get busy. You’ve got a lot of crying to do. Or at least, my eyes are tearing up just thinking about it.

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

I watched the 2-DVD set of “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back” this weekend. What I found most disappointing is that Kevin Smith was basically shaken down by GLADD. They clearly used him for publicity and strong-armed him into paying money. There’s nothing anti-gay about his films. Look at “Chasing Amy”. If any film ever made homosexuality mainstream, that was it. And he shouldn’t have caved. But that’s how films are made in the US. They have to pass GLADD, or they’ll call you a homophobe in public until you pay up. Then, after he made the donation, they acted as if it were an admission of guilt. Basically, they used it to say, ‘This is what one gets for offending GLADD’ and ‘See how GLADD can raise money for gay foundations by targeting even those who’ve demonstrably endorced homosexuality.” It was great publicity for them. I remember explaining how studios are held hostage this way to an associate back in the eighties, and he called me a liar, and suggested that even if I were right, making a point of it wasn’t the right attitude. You remember the eighties. People were scrambling to be intellectually fashionable, or at least above persecution, by choosing which facts to pay attention to. But all such duplicity creates an atmosphere of social, ideological, and economic extortion that is supposedly better than the simple freedom of speech. The film wasn’t even a pimple on “Chasing Amy”, but it was made sordid by the thirty pieces of silver.

Children of Dune

Frank Herbert's Children of Dune
Image via Wikipedia

Children of Dune (British miniseries) was a lot more fun than the two Dune films. Also Neverwhere (British miniseries) was a lot of fun. de Cabaras was especially well performed. Most fun I’ve had at the movies since Fellowship of the Ring.

Overstate News 2-8-2003

Oversoft announced today that it will include a permanent logging function in the new version of its operating system, the latest service packs for previous versions, and as part of its software suites. A spokesman for Oversoft said, “In addition to contributing to the longevity of electronic speech, this will help reduce the rising costs associated with anonymity.” Oversoft has provided a grant of 10,000 classroom licenses for the new operating system version to the Ministry of Education.

We are at Rebel Alert Level 3. The Ministry of Propaganda has announced that are enemies are not only everywhere, but that we’re likely to have explosions in our major cities this week. Meanwhile, the Overstate Defense Forces have received approval from the Executive for a Patriot’s Tax to support “munitions training for peace”.

The policy of continual war… well… continues. The targets are being plotted years in advance, the propaganda showing up in everything from action/spy films to unchallenged news blips, the social engineering ongoing, spokesmen are prepared – wined and dined and treated to prestigious conferences – with underlying assumptions they carry back into the Hive, and the provocation of the designated enemy escalates as the previous target is progressively set off balance and ultimately annhilated.

Kate & Leopold

Film poster for Kate & Leopold - Copyright 200...
Image via Wikipedia

Kate & Leopold is the usual romance. Bumbling male, sharp female. If he rolls over and plays nice, he’ll win her heart. Excuse me while I vomit. If you like nice films about nice men and the uptight women who want them, you’ll like this one. This is every other romance you’ve seen where you could substitute Hugh Grant for the lead male. The bewildered kind of mind that only sees the beauty of the specialness that is you (i.e. her) – the kind you can dress up in knee-length trousers, suspenders, and a puffy shirt and take shopping with you. On the other hand, if you want a man’s teeth at your throat, look elsewhere.

The Royal Tenenbaums

The Royal Tenenbaums. I don’t have a lot to say about this one. I didn’t find it funny. I didn’t find it enlightening. I’ve debated this, but I still see it as basically another naturalistic mood piece. I happen to like (I’ll take crap for this) Gene Hackman, and I like Anjelica Huston and (more crap coming, I know) Gwyneth Paltrow (Shakespeare in Love is one of my all time favorites, though perhaps she simply benefits from being in that one). Ben Stiller’s best role, imo, is still “The Screamer” (a Friend’s episode – the one where he yells viciously at everyone while playing the gentle soft male to Rachel, and they finally catch him in time for Chandler to say, “Back away from the duck.”.). But I kept looking for something in this film and, typical of naturalistic films, it kept promising, but it never paid off. Sure, there’s some kind of psychological resolution for each of the characters, so I can see the point of the person I argued this with, but then look what kind of resolution it is – it’s resolution without real meaning, imo. The incest part of it is certainly interesting, and that should have been the plot, I think.