| Legion | We’re still desperately reaching for something from the Bible to scare you. This is all we had left. Collateral damage from an angelic driveby. | The Book of Eli | We long ago reached the limit of our imagination for post-apocalyptic adventure. So we combined it with… the Bible! We were out of ideas there, too. |
| Valentine’s Day | A big-screen Hallmark card, because when you’re this shallow, you need us to script the relationship. A film that’s destined to be on TV next February, after we’ve sold all the DVDs we ever will. | Tooth Fairy | Because every action hero must be made to look ridiculous in at least one film, juxtaposed with children. And the last time we did it with the Rock, not enough of you could bear to watch. |
| Sherlock Holmes | With martial arts from Brotherhood of the Wolf, we decided to make Sherlie less cerebral, and more dope and depression driven. We just can’t leave any classic unscathed. | Dear John | Well, if one of these sappy romances made money, let’s lower the age and sophistication of the lovers to that of the Twilight films, and see if we can sell a lot more. Next Winter, we’ll actually use pre-teens. |
| The Crazies | We’ve used every excuse for people to start chasing and eating you – viruses, more viruses, alien viruses. So we’ll just skip the reasons, and the humans “go crazy”. | The Wolfman | We long ago ran out of any good ideas for horror. And we pillaged all the Japanese and Korean films we could manage – like the Ring. Besides, we remake every film in the current generation’s image. Dumber, more violent, and even more hoky. |

Some of you will say I’ve been too hard on these films. As punishment, I think you should have to watch them. So, get busy. You’ve got a lot of crying to do. Or at least, my eyes are tearing up just thinking about it.











