Now Showing – Feb. 2010

Legion We’re still desperately reaching for something from the Bible to scare you. This is all we had left. Collateral damage from an angelic driveby. The Book of Eli We long ago reached the limit of our imagination for post-apocalyptic adventure. So we combined it with… the Bible! We were out of ideas there, too.
Valentine’s Day A big-screen Hallmark card, because when you’re this shallow, you need us to script the relationship. A film that’s destined to be on TV next February, after we’ve sold all the DVDs we ever will. Tooth Fairy Because every action hero must be made to look ridiculous in at least one film, juxtaposed with children. And the last time we did it with the Rock, not enough of you could bear to watch.
Sherlock Holmes With martial arts from Brotherhood of the Wolf, we decided to make Sherlie less cerebral, and more dope and depression driven. We just can’t leave any classic unscathed. Dear John Well, if one of these sappy romances made money, let’s lower the age and sophistication of the lovers to that of the Twilight films, and see if we can sell a lot more. Next Winter, we’ll actually use pre-teens.
The Crazies We’ve used every excuse for people to start chasing and eating you – viruses, more viruses, alien viruses. So we’ll just skip the reasons, and the humans “go crazy”. The Wolfman We long ago ran out of any good ideas for horror. And we pillaged all the Japanese and Korean films we could manage – like the Ring. Besides, we remake every film in the current generation’s image. Dumber, more violent, and even more hoky.

Some of you will say I’ve been too hard on these films. As punishment, I think you should have to watch them. So, get busy. You’ve got a lot of crying to do. Or at least, my eyes are tearing up just thinking about it.

Epoch

Epoch isn’t too bad, but it’s bad enough. The sci-fi unreality isn’t really a problem. It’s the unreality of all the other stuff – from the diplomacy to the way operations work in the field. That stuff is tongue-in-cheek some of the time, but the rest of the time it is just silly. The premise was certainly interesting, though not much different than, say, The Abyss, except that it’s on land. The are the usual stereotypes – bumbling ambassadors (who are indeed sometimes bumbling, just in different ways – this isn’t social commentary), mindless trigger-happy grunts (ok, that’s not too far off, either), a fundamentalist (hmmm. Guess he was kind of spot on, as well), the peace-loving scientist (one word… Oppenheimer), and the tough but soft in the middle uniformed love interest (’bout had enough of those). Then there’s the bewildered presentation of the Chinese. Clearly written by someone who knows nothing about them. There is too much shadow, gas, and too many sparks inside the “torus” – the mysterious (think ‘monolith’ from 2001) stone funnel that rose from below bedrock and stretched to the sky, hovering just above ground. And there’s the usual destruction of the great machine, complete with the getaway of our two reasonable heroes amid lots of camera shaking and rocks falling. And lo… he’s cured and she’s finally able to conceive. Ick! This is the B-side ot a B movie. It would be a decent comic book, but isn’t worth a DVD.

Iggy Goes Down . . . Well… another film by Camus. [Doesn't deserve it's own post.]