Fed up with what he calls the “namby pambyness” of other Republican contenders, Mitt Romney today decried as “weak and unambitious” Rick Perry’s recent statement that he would “re-invade Iraq” and Newt Gingrich’s allusions to invading Germany (the candidate had said if Americans had the same resolve they did in that action, the price of gas at the pump would halve). Not to be outdone, and with some analysts saying he’s still not appealing to the majority of conservative voters, Romney said today that as President he would start another war with Great Britain, followed by a war with the French and remaining Indians, and then go to war with Spain over Mexico. “Eventually, a return to Viet Nam would be on the horizon,” said Romney, “but that would have to be in my second term”. When asked if conservatives in the US might be too prone to starting and engaging in conflicts, Romney said “We’re a nation with strong moral principles, and those principles are best expressed in who, how, and how often we fight.”

As we gear up for the 2012 campaign, supporters and critics alike are calling the President’s recent public appearances, “The Obama Reality Tour”. At his speech yesterday at Ft. Bragg on the occasion of the Iraq pullout, President Obama offered a litany concerning the Iraq experience that made even experienced killers blush. “Everything that American troops have done in Iraq,” said the president, “all the partnering, the sharing, the cuddling, the caring, the joining, the helping, the loving, the spanking, the building, the warm and friendly feeling, the occasional groping has led us to this moment of success…” A soldier interviewed by NPR expressed relief that the president didn’t mention “all of the raping, the pillaging, the torturing, the murdering, the stealing, the polluting, the destroying, the exterminating, or the initial framing”, but instead focused on the symbolism of the flag, all soldiers being heroes, how to write the history, and standing up for America. Whether he was neatly avoiding any mention of what actually went on in Iraq, or engaging in the ultimate euphemistic tirade is at the mercy of political interpreters. Today, the president is visiting other clusterfucks, like the US economy. Speaking to the banking industry at a Wall Street breakfast this morning, Obama borrowed from the Ft. Bragg motif, saying “all of your bleeding, your building, and your partnering – all of it has left behind a sovereign, stable, and self-reliant US…” Obama Reality Tour (ORT) spokesperson Glinda Goodwitch said tomorrow the president will speak to the Atlanta public school system about education in the US before departing at last for the Land of Oz.

The primary topic of the Republican presidential debates was who each candidate would bomb, if he or she were elected. Newt Gingrich wants to bomb Iran, starting with their oil supply, but said he’d bomb anyone if it would reduce the price of oil. Rick Perry said he’d bomb Syria, after implementing a no-fly zone. Michele Bachmann would bomb Mexico, as a way of stemming the tide of brown people into the US. And Herman Cain said he would continue bombing his own campaign. The general consensus was that someone always needs to be bombed, it’s the job of a president to conduct bombings, and that bombings would continue as long as a single Republican could gain access to the White House.

NASA, the US space agency, completed a study in July, and is now seriously considering fuel depots in orbit around the earth, so astronauts can get their fuel en route instead of lift it with them from the ground. An agency report indicates Loves and several other possible fuel station retailers are interested in the project. Fuel depots would have beer and cigarettes, his and hers restrooms, and a variety of snack foods. But retailers are concerned about “drive offs” and hot checks. As one Seven-11 representative put it, “If they decide to take off without paying, we’re talking about a lot more than a fifty dollar fill-up. And we can’t just tape the US government’s check to the register and shame them into paying. That doesn’t work for the UN; it won’t work for us.”

South Korea announced today that it will not tolerate any aggression from North Korea. Early reports suggest North Korea is shocked and its population reeling with surprise and confusion. “Previously, aggression was always tolerated,” said Lim Young-Gu, a restaurant owner, according to an official government translator.

As an aside, translators are needed because of the rarity of available speakers of North Korean dialects. Mistakes happen easily – for instance, in South Korea, the same statement would be translated as “Stop sabre rattling you meatheads, you’ll get us all killed. What is your problem, already?”

South Korea also warned North Korea that it is under the umbrella of US nuclear protection, which again prompted confusion and concern. North Korean Minister of Defense Kim You-Too, said “We always thought the Americans had gone home. It’s been 65 years after all. We haven’t looked over the barbed wire much in recent decades, but when we heard they had something called Cinemax, we thought the soldiers would all have left. We’re still watching re-runs of My Three Sons. How is Chip Douglas doing? Episode 17 cuts out just before we know if he learns a valuable lesson.”

England and the other realms which consider Elizabaeth II their monarch today scrapped the ancient rule of primogeniture which gives preference to younger sons in line for the throne over older female siblings. A new proposal was immediately launched to consider age discrimination in royal succession. Of today’s change, Prime Minister of England David Cameron said, “We’ve put aside the outdated, and archaic vestiges of a bygone era that no longer fit modern sensibilities.” Cameron later attended the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace, which involves all-male soldiers in bearskin hats.

England has had a royal family since 827 AD and the crowning of King Egbert, but many insist that it was actually King Arthur who pulled the sword from the stone. Oddly, without primogeniture, England would have been ruled by Arthur’s evil half-sister Morgause or Morgan le Fay. Merlin’s influence would have been defeated and Morgan’s son Mordred have prevailed over a millennium of darkness in the history of the realm. Women’s rights advocates are nonetheless applauding the measure.